My head is friggin full of ideas and questions, and i have limited online time plus limited alone time due to parents and weather. The work has just started coming in, though, so that might improve. But yeah. Short temper and confusion abounds.
Here are some of the issues that i keep chewing on:
- What's the real deal with men and women - is there an actual difference between them? Or, to put it another way, can women also be strong and/or talented? The evidence is rather inconclusive. Dearth of female violent crime (the most common tool for girl serial killers is poison, and they are less numerous than guys anyways) shows that women ain't strong enough, but then again we've got all the counterexamples (Curie, Hypatia, various military women, and so on). Are they exceptions, or are they what the norm could be if social conditions were different?
- I'm wondering what would've happened if Eric and Dylan never meet, or one of them chickens out before their deed. If one of them is weak and gives in to the lies society has been feeding them - and all of us. Because that's part of what happened to me and my ex. She gave in to them, and rejected me - but it wasn't just a rejection of me, it was a rejection of resistance. It was the acceptance of slavery. It was giving up, giving in, to the enforced desire of being normal. (At least that's one of the possible interpretations. I don't have all the background info on what led her to discard me, after all. It doesn't really matter anymore, i guess.)
I'm still holding on to that precious sliver of integrity that's left... even if it means compromising it once in a while, because they leave me no other choice (for example, i had to act "sneaky" to get out of the hospital in '12) - but at least not allowing them to overwhelm me completely.
On a slightly related note, what about those who did their thing alone? What made them strong enough to not need someone else to support them?
- Everyone is flawed, temporary, and superfluous. So if you spit on another human, thinking you're better than them, you're doing something dumb, because you ain't. No one is better. Regardless of status, wealth, skills, any of that, no one is perfect. We are all scum. I was born to be the one everyone can look down upon and kick to the curb, or "pity" and condescend to. But living like that taught me how meaningless it is. How pathetic arrogance and pride really is, at the core. You may be able to buy yourself an island, but you can't stop death, and you can't stop the fact that people "love" you only for your money. You may be pretty, but age will wither your looks, and then what will you have left? What trait will you use to justify devaluing others? What will you be proud of?
- I need to overhaul Mortal Sins. Get rid of the movie format, iron out the jerky parts, make it a weighty novel instead of the disjointed pieces it consists of now. For that, however, I'll need computer time, AT NIGHT. So, that will probably end up as a summertime endeavor. Letting it simmer in my brain until then. The damn thing has become a vehicle to voice my frustrations, in a way, so maybe some of the issues mentioned above will be integrated into the story as well.
- My parents have been telling me that i get into angry online arguments nearly every evening these days, and they fear i might break the keyboard, hitting it too hard. True, my addiction to that does return from time to time, even though it's pointless. But it also has been revealed that my parents aren't always right about their evaluation of my relationships. For instance, they told me that Frank is deceiving and manipulating me, but when i confronted him with this, he had no idea what i'm talking about. (We still have other problems but that's not one of them.) Dunno about the arguments thing, though. On one hands, yes, it's needless frustration; but on the other hand, should i just give up trying to educate people?
- I'm not famous, and probably won't be; so, is there a point in waiting until 27? Is there even a point in completing Virgil's story - or, to put it more clearly: can i complete it?
That's just the stuff that i could put into coherent words so far. The gears are still turning.