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My head is friggin full of ideas and questions, and i have limited online time plus limited alone time due to parents and weather. The work has just started coming in, though, so that might improve. But yeah. Short temper and confusion abounds.
Here are some of the issues that i keep chewing on:
- What's the real deal with men and women - is there an actual difference between them? Or, to put it another way, can women also be strong and/or talented? The evidence is rather inconclusive. Dearth of female violent crime (the most common tool for girl serial killers is poison, and they are less numerous than guys anyways) shows that women ain't strong enough, but then again we've got all the counterexamples (Curie, Hypatia, various military women, and so on). Are they exceptions, or are they what the norm could be if social conditions were different?
- I'm wondering what would've happened if Eric and Dylan never meet, or one of them chickens out before their deed. If one of them is weak and gives in to the lies society has been feeding them - and all of us. Because that's part of what happened to me and my ex. She gave in to them, and rejected me - but it wasn't just a rejection of me, it was a rejection of resistance. It was the acceptance of slavery. It was giving up, giving in, to the enforced desire of being normal. (At least that's one of the possible interpretations. I don't have all the background info on what led her to discard me, after all. It doesn't really matter anymore, i guess.)
I'm still holding on to that precious sliver of integrity that's left... even if it means compromising it once in a while, because they leave me no other choice (for example, i had to act "sneaky" to get out of the hospital in '12) - but at least not allowing them to overwhelm me completely.
On a slightly related note, what about those who did their thing alone? What made them strong enough to not need someone else to support them?
- Everyone is flawed, temporary, and superfluous. So if you spit on another human, thinking you're better than them, you're doing something dumb, because you ain't. No one is better. Regardless of status, wealth, skills, any of that, no one is perfect. We are all scum. I was born to be the one everyone can look down upon and kick to the curb, or "pity" and condescend to. But living like that taught me how meaningless it is. How pathetic arrogance and pride really is, at the core. You may be able to buy yourself an island, but you can't stop death, and you can't stop the fact that people "love" you only for your money. You may be pretty, but age will wither your looks, and then what will you have left? What trait will you use to justify devaluing others? What will you be proud of?
- I need to overhaul Mortal Sins. Get rid of the movie format, iron out the jerky parts, make it a weighty novel instead of the disjointed pieces it consists of now. For that, however, I'll need computer time, AT NIGHT. So, that will probably end up as a summertime endeavor. Letting it simmer in my brain until then. The damn thing has become a vehicle to voice my frustrations, in a way, so maybe some of the issues mentioned above will be integrated into the story as well.
- My parents have been telling me that i get into angry online arguments nearly every evening these days, and they fear i might break the keyboard, hitting it too hard. True, my addiction to that does return from time to time, even though it's pointless. But it also has been revealed that my parents aren't always right about their evaluation of my relationships. For instance, they told me that Frank is deceiving and manipulating me, but when i confronted him with this, he had no idea what i'm talking about. (We still have other problems but that's not one of them.) Dunno about the arguments thing, though. On one hands, yes, it's needless frustration; but on the other hand, should i just give up trying to educate people?
- I'm not famous, and probably won't be; so, is there a point in waiting until 27? Is there even a point in completing Virgil's story - or, to put it more clearly: can i complete it?
That's just the stuff that i could put into coherent words so far. The gears are still turning.
Here are some of the issues that i keep chewing on:
- What's the real deal with men and women - is there an actual difference between them? Or, to put it another way, can women also be strong and/or talented? The evidence is rather inconclusive. Dearth of female violent crime (the most common tool for girl serial killers is poison, and they are less numerous than guys anyways) shows that women ain't strong enough, but then again we've got all the counterexamples (Curie, Hypatia, various military women, and so on). Are they exceptions, or are they what the norm could be if social conditions were different?
- I'm wondering what would've happened if Eric and Dylan never meet, or one of them chickens out before their deed. If one of them is weak and gives in to the lies society has been feeding them - and all of us. Because that's part of what happened to me and my ex. She gave in to them, and rejected me - but it wasn't just a rejection of me, it was a rejection of resistance. It was the acceptance of slavery. It was giving up, giving in, to the enforced desire of being normal. (At least that's one of the possible interpretations. I don't have all the background info on what led her to discard me, after all. It doesn't really matter anymore, i guess.)
I'm still holding on to that precious sliver of integrity that's left... even if it means compromising it once in a while, because they leave me no other choice (for example, i had to act "sneaky" to get out of the hospital in '12) - but at least not allowing them to overwhelm me completely.
On a slightly related note, what about those who did their thing alone? What made them strong enough to not need someone else to support them?
- Everyone is flawed, temporary, and superfluous. So if you spit on another human, thinking you're better than them, you're doing something dumb, because you ain't. No one is better. Regardless of status, wealth, skills, any of that, no one is perfect. We are all scum. I was born to be the one everyone can look down upon and kick to the curb, or "pity" and condescend to. But living like that taught me how meaningless it is. How pathetic arrogance and pride really is, at the core. You may be able to buy yourself an island, but you can't stop death, and you can't stop the fact that people "love" you only for your money. You may be pretty, but age will wither your looks, and then what will you have left? What trait will you use to justify devaluing others? What will you be proud of?
- I need to overhaul Mortal Sins. Get rid of the movie format, iron out the jerky parts, make it a weighty novel instead of the disjointed pieces it consists of now. For that, however, I'll need computer time, AT NIGHT. So, that will probably end up as a summertime endeavor. Letting it simmer in my brain until then. The damn thing has become a vehicle to voice my frustrations, in a way, so maybe some of the issues mentioned above will be integrated into the story as well.
- My parents have been telling me that i get into angry online arguments nearly every evening these days, and they fear i might break the keyboard, hitting it too hard. True, my addiction to that does return from time to time, even though it's pointless. But it also has been revealed that my parents aren't always right about their evaluation of my relationships. For instance, they told me that Frank is deceiving and manipulating me, but when i confronted him with this, he had no idea what i'm talking about. (We still have other problems but that's not one of them.) Dunno about the arguments thing, though. On one hands, yes, it's needless frustration; but on the other hand, should i just give up trying to educate people?
- I'm not famous, and probably won't be; so, is there a point in waiting until 27? Is there even a point in completing Virgil's story - or, to put it more clearly: can i complete it?
That's just the stuff that i could put into coherent words so far. The gears are still turning.
Just some thoughts on the mental health scam
Here's an email I sent as part of an argument. *** No, I'm not letting this go. Let's be real, people don't do or feel things for no reason. What most likely happens is one of these: - "I'm not telling you the reason because I'd be punished for it or at least heavily embarrassed": this is especially true for people who are still owned by their parents (legally and/or financially). In certain households or schools, coming out is not safe; silence is safer, even if it might lead to the adults thinking that you're crazy. Confessing to something illegal is not safe, therefore you protect yourself by not doing it. (Miranda anyone?) This also applies to protecting a friend, and potentially enduring the consequences on their behalf. - "I told you the reason and you denied it": my own example would be cutting - apparently "because it feels nice and costs nothing, and also helps me remember numbers and dates" wasn't a good enough reason for the people in charge, and therefore the conclusion was that "it must be an illness because I don't understand it". (In philosophy this is called an argument from ignorance.) - "I know something you don't, but can't access convincing evidence (yet)": this could apply to "hearing voices" or "seeing things", i.e. sensory information/experience that is not accessible to the interrogator for whatever reason (for example, the subject having unusually acute senses or just being "at the wrong place in the wrong time"). (It's a damn shame this book is not available in English. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2617221-le-syndrome-copernic - I have read it in Hungarian and it changed my mind big time on the potential veracity of "hallucinations".) But this could also apply to deduction/expertise; for example, due to my extensive knowledge about 20th century history and the sometimes terribly dark interrelationships between ideology and science, also law enforcement and public health (combined with my observation that the common, optimistic belief of the '90s that "history is linear, everything gets better the further ahead we go" is absolutely false), I tend to recognize patterns and similarities in policies and events before these become obvious to the general public. (This is not a bragging point; it's more like a curse. "Those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it, while those who do study history are doomed to watch helplessly as it's being repeated.") And the simplest one, also common in younger people: - "I know my reasons, but don't have the vocabulary yet to explain them." This can be seriously frustrating and it's also probably the reason why poetry and art exists (a lot of teens try their hands at these, even if they abandon it later). Think about how many new words around gender and sexuality were coined in the past 3 decades. Or new technology words. All words are made up by people, and before there is a word for something, it's hard to pin that something down and thus communication about it gets confusing. And of course, when people (especially people with authority) get confused about something, they scramble desperately to resolve the confusion by putting the thing in a box (such as a diagnosis). Even if that box is wrong. "For no reason" is intellectual laziness. Throwing pills (or electric torture, or any other form of punishment and coercion) at someone instead of finding out where there might be an incompatibility between them and their environment* is laziness combined with lack of empathy. If there's "no reason", find out the damn reason. Or just do nothing, let the person figure it out on their own - like I wrote to you before, the micromanagement and monitoring that comes with an accusation of mental health issues can in itself induce immense stress and dread. *: Yes, I still think that sadness, rather than being an innate "chemical imbalance", is a sign of being in the wrong environment. (If a flower withers, do you blame it or give it more/less sunlight and water according to its needs?) Why do I think this? Because when my environment changed, the despair and exhaustion went away with it. And before anyone comes at me with "but I tried that and it didn't work" - the "bad environment" can also include existence itself. Stop treating that as if it wasn't an option.
life be like
1. Once you get over the sense of impending doom, the best way to find your way in a city is to get lost. I mean, that sense of impending doom is gonna be there anyway, because not knowing where you are has an uncanny similarity with being late, but if you are able to ignore it, there is no end to the wonders and treasures you may find. Of course, this doesn't apply if you actually have to find something in time - that's where the combination of crying in front of locals and, where applicable, hooking up to free wifi comes in. (One of the advantages of looking female is that the crying evokes sympathy, rather than disgust or alarm. Most of the time. I would recommend using it sparingly, but that also depends on how close the appointment is in time, and thus the intensity of the panic.) Given no time constraint, getting lost is actually not that bad. Most cities have a somewhat recognizable center, which can be used as a recalibration point: just get on some kind of public
Take on race relations
Legal aliens and love. What is love? "To love is to value", but what does THAT mean? She also said, "People are unhappy because they are unappreciated, not because they don't receive enough alms." I got told I have debts to pay back for crimes someone else committed, and that can't have ancestal wisdom because my kind only can destroy. But my ancestral wisdom is staring at me right there in the fridge - a delicious scurvy and hangover cure called sauerkraut. Everyone is an alien somewhere. I learned how to nixtamalize, and I appreciate you putting it online to teach me. I can teach you this pickled stuff. Trade can be love.
I know poetry ain't your thing, but...
Don't tell me it's wrong to want love in a shape that my core recognizes - not the shape of the iron reins of parental 'love', nor the vague shapelessness of adolescent cravings, nor the well-choreographed dance of puppets on a narcissistic string; no, something simpler, older, and so real that the media can't show it uncensored. I have braided this into my stories before - these pieces of me that I cast into the noise hoping to hear their echoes return to me like a dove with an olive twig. Usually the twigs I get back are false promises, but they are at least a pretty green - for a while. Don't tell me it's wrong to want something so pure and simple as a warm hug and a scalding bullet, just because you're afraid to admit that you want it too. If nothing else, let's pretend you don't hate me as much as every other human does. At least try to act like you accept me as a more transparent reflection of yourself. I know you're only coming back out of an aged loneliness and a morbid
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In regards to withered appearance - Dame Maggie Smith, Judi Dench, Helen Mirren. Again, people are eating the lies that smooth skin = beauty.
If E&D never met... or if one had backed out... that sounds like a good project for you to work on. It might feel like Monster, though.
The Romans considered Boudicca the same way modern society views Anders: a psychotic murder machine. And again, women have been relegated to feel themselves as victims for the most part. Those who aren't feeling victimized are too busy being awesome to begin killing motherfuckers, like TacTissy or Dana Lynn Bailey.
If E&D never met... or if one had backed out... that sounds like a good project for you to work on. It might feel like Monster, though.
The Romans considered Boudicca the same way modern society views Anders: a psychotic murder machine. And again, women have been relegated to feel themselves as victims for the most part. Those who aren't feeling victimized are too busy being awesome to begin killing motherfuckers, like TacTissy or Dana Lynn Bailey.