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So, I got my PC back after a week.
And some work.
And I don't even hate all this anymore. Like, it's getting to the point where I'm not even expecting anything good to happen or anything to work out as I planned or want. I'm getting used to it. Being betrayed, ignored, helpless, and so on. I almost feel like giving up, even abandoning the exit plan. After all, I'll end up back at home eventually anyway.
Still waiting for some sort of hope, though. Or something.
And some work.
And I don't even hate all this anymore. Like, it's getting to the point where I'm not even expecting anything good to happen or anything to work out as I planned or want. I'm getting used to it. Being betrayed, ignored, helpless, and so on. I almost feel like giving up, even abandoning the exit plan. After all, I'll end up back at home eventually anyway.
Still waiting for some sort of hope, though. Or something.
Just some thoughts on the mental health scam
Here's an email I sent as part of an argument. *** No, I'm not letting this go. Let's be real, people don't do or feel things for no reason. What most likely happens is one of these: - "I'm not telling you the reason because I'd be punished for it or at least heavily embarrassed": this is especially true for people who are still owned by their parents (legally and/or financially). In certain households or schools, coming out is not safe; silence is safer, even if it might lead to the adults thinking that you're crazy. Confessing to something illegal is not safe, therefore you protect yourself by not doing it. (Miranda anyone?) This also applies to protecting a friend, and potentially enduring the consequences on their behalf. - "I told you the reason and you denied it": my own example would be cutting - apparently "because it feels nice and costs nothing, and also helps me remember numbers and dates" wasn't a good enough reason for the people in charge, and therefore the conclusion was that "it must be an illness because I don't understand it". (In philosophy this is called an argument from ignorance.) - "I know something you don't, but can't access convincing evidence (yet)": this could apply to "hearing voices" or "seeing things", i.e. sensory information/experience that is not accessible to the interrogator for whatever reason (for example, the subject having unusually acute senses or just being "at the wrong place in the wrong time"). (It's a damn shame this book is not available in English. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2617221-le-syndrome-copernic - I have read it in Hungarian and it changed my mind big time on the potential veracity of "hallucinations".) But this could also apply to deduction/expertise; for example, due to my extensive knowledge about 20th century history and the sometimes terribly dark interrelationships between ideology and science, also law enforcement and public health (combined with my observation that the common, optimistic belief of the '90s that "history is linear, everything gets better the further ahead we go" is absolutely false), I tend to recognize patterns and similarities in policies and events before these become obvious to the general public. (This is not a bragging point; it's more like a curse. "Those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it, while those who do study history are doomed to watch helplessly as it's being repeated.") And the simplest one, also common in younger people: - "I know my reasons, but don't have the vocabulary yet to explain them." This can be seriously frustrating and it's also probably the reason why poetry and art exists (a lot of teens try their hands at these, even if they abandon it later). Think about how many new words around gender and sexuality were coined in the past 3 decades. Or new technology words. All words are made up by people, and before there is a word for something, it's hard to pin that something down and thus communication about it gets confusing. And of course, when people (especially people with authority) get confused about something, they scramble desperately to resolve the confusion by putting the thing in a box (such as a diagnosis). Even if that box is wrong. "For no reason" is intellectual laziness. Throwing pills (or electric torture, or any other form of punishment and coercion) at someone instead of finding out where there might be an incompatibility between them and their environment* is laziness combined with lack of empathy. If there's "no reason", find out the damn reason. Or just do nothing, let the person figure it out on their own - like I wrote to you before, the micromanagement and monitoring that comes with an accusation of mental health issues can in itself induce immense stress and dread. *: Yes, I still think that sadness, rather than being an innate "chemical imbalance", is a sign of being in the wrong environment. (If a flower withers, do you blame it or give it more/less sunlight and water according to its needs?) Why do I think this? Because when my environment changed, the despair and exhaustion went away with it. And before anyone comes at me with "but I tried that and it didn't work" - the "bad environment" can also include existence itself. Stop treating that as if it wasn't an option.
life be like
1. Once you get over the sense of impending doom, the best way to find your way in a city is to get lost. I mean, that sense of impending doom is gonna be there anyway, because not knowing where you are has an uncanny similarity with being late, but if you are able to ignore it, there is no end to the wonders and treasures you may find. Of course, this doesn't apply if you actually have to find something in time - that's where the combination of crying in front of locals and, where applicable, hooking up to free wifi comes in. (One of the advantages of looking female is that the crying evokes sympathy, rather than disgust or alarm. Most of the time. I would recommend using it sparingly, but that also depends on how close the appointment is in time, and thus the intensity of the panic.) Given no time constraint, getting lost is actually not that bad. Most cities have a somewhat recognizable center, which can be used as a recalibration point: just get on some kind of public
Take on race relations
Legal aliens and love. What is love? "To love is to value", but what does THAT mean? She also said, "People are unhappy because they are unappreciated, not because they don't receive enough alms." I got told I have debts to pay back for crimes someone else committed, and that can't have ancestal wisdom because my kind only can destroy. But my ancestral wisdom is staring at me right there in the fridge - a delicious scurvy and hangover cure called sauerkraut. Everyone is an alien somewhere. I learned how to nixtamalize, and I appreciate you putting it online to teach me. I can teach you this pickled stuff. Trade can be love.
I know poetry ain't your thing, but...
Don't tell me it's wrong to want love in a shape that my core recognizes - not the shape of the iron reins of parental 'love', nor the vague shapelessness of adolescent cravings, nor the well-choreographed dance of puppets on a narcissistic string; no, something simpler, older, and so real that the media can't show it uncensored. I have braided this into my stories before - these pieces of me that I cast into the noise hoping to hear their echoes return to me like a dove with an olive twig. Usually the twigs I get back are false promises, but they are at least a pretty green - for a while. Don't tell me it's wrong to want something so pure and simple as a warm hug and a scalding bullet, just because you're afraid to admit that you want it too. If nothing else, let's pretend you don't hate me as much as every other human does. At least try to act like you accept me as a more transparent reflection of yourself. I know you're only coming back out of an aged loneliness and a morbid
© 2016 - 2024 librarian-of-hell
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