(late) Birthday update :)

Jun 19, 201516 min read

Deviation Actions

Published: Jun 19, 2015

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So yesterday I became 26 and the bleeding sickness came again. How long do I have left in this decaying body? I guess that will depend on how well do I handle money in the following year. Trying to find a balance between abstinence and a bearable existence - between physical and mental well-being. It's not even as hard as I thought, I just need to be aware of my priorities and don't let myself fall back into the habit of letting my parents tell me what to do. I'm feeling kinda self-reflective, so here's this.

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
You mean based upon how I feel? Around 200. Based upon maturity, though, I guess I'll never progress beyond 12
Which is worse, failing or never trying?
Never trying. Then again, failing is scarier because it entails some type of incarceration.
If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
Because the things we want are illegal and/or too expensive, and we get paid for doing things we don't like. In other words, because other people are more numerous than us and thus they make the rules.
When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
Hello, I'm a writer. That's kinda my job description. (Which doesn't mean I'm feeling any less guilty for it, but that's where my talents lie, I suppose.)
What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
Oh, so many. But the first thing that comes to mind is taking away the ability of sentient beings to lie and deceive each other. A kind of collective truth serum. If nothing else, it'd be immensely interesting - either disastrous or greatly beneficial - I'm guessing both.
If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
Working as an executioner. Then again, it might not be as fun if it's obligatory. That tends to take the fun out of even the best things to some extent. Of course, that might just be me and my fucked-up personality, lol.
Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
A bit of both, about 50/50. A large part of what makes me have a distaste towards life is that it is full of compromises, nothing is black and white. Then again, I'm learning to believe in a lot of things I were just doing so far because I had no better idea. Such as translation and my poetry. That may be the effect of the excess positive feedback I had lately, but I kinda like this direction I'm going with it.
If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
It wouldn't make much of a difference for me personally - although my parents would've died a long time ago, so some more freedom and also more risk would have been present in my life as well, probably.
To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
To the degree anyone could, which is, let's face it, not much. We all have the self-conceit that we make our own decisions, but shit continues to happen, and it is pretty much impossible to expect literally everything in advance. (Case in point: the almost-trip to Finland in 2012.) Then again, I'm at least trying my best and continue to learn, which most "normal" people somehow grow out of somewhere along the way.
Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
Both, although doing the right things is easier if you have confidence in your convictions, which I do (some would say, a little too much of it, even). It also depends on what things are we talking about - my skills are rather unevenly distributed, so certain things I find ridiculousy easy, and other things excruciatingly hard.
You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
Probably end up starting a brawl or storm out taking my friend with me, then cry a lot about how I'm not allowed to kill them without consequences. I'm pretty protective of my friends and find it hard to respect people in general, so...yeah.
If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
Trust is earned, not given by default. Always find out what people are actually like before believing in them.
Would you break the law to save a loved one?
I would like to think yes, although that requires facing one of my worst and most crippling fears. Then again, if I had the means to avoid the consequences (aka die before being apprehended), I would, without any second thought.
Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
Those are pretty much the same thing, or if not, they at least tend to go together most of the time. I don't make much of the distinction. The human brain is one of the most fascinating things in this world, and it's a pretty ironic and shameful thing that we try to compartmentalize its functions into "good" and "bad". That kind of mindset only restricts the possibilities we can access.
What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
Communication. I tend to go "with my worst foot forward", actively making a point of not concealing my deepest feelings and thoughts. This accounts for my dearth of social connections - but it also ensures that the few friends I have are actually worth a damn.
How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
Because not all people are the same, duh! As for why is that, your guess is as good as mine.
What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
Killing people. And you guessed - fear of restraint. This dilemma has been there for a long, long time now. Helping others is great, but at the cost of losing even the meagre vestiges of freedom that I still have as a human being? I know how selfish that sounds, but...
Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
The abovementioned vestiges of freedom and a probably mistaken sense of self-worth. Not sure how much I need to let these go, but stuff would certainly get easier without them.
If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
Somewhere in the US, not sure which state exactly. Two main reasons: gun rights and a lively LGBT/goth subculture which would provide me with a lot more opportunity to bond with people. (Maybe even find a sweet girlfriend, as keeps suggesting. )
Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
No. Never really thought of that. I do the equivalent with my slow internet connection sometimes, though.
Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
Sometimes I feel like it would be better to be the latter, but I actually experienced the disappearance of my creativity for about 10 days, and that freaked me the fuck out, so, worried genius it is. (Fuck you, Cypher.)
Why are you, you?
Because this is the only person I am able to be. (Duh.)
Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
Perhaps not always, but I certainly do try.
Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
The latter. In the age of the internet, distance is not as much of a big deal as it used to be, and growing apart is not a factor of physical distance at all.
What are you most grateful for?
The people I'm constantly learning from.
Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
Lose the old trash. Especially the stuff involving and such evil, monstrous people. Format C: and start over. I've actually been working on that via chemical means.
Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
Nope. Question everything. Experiment. Test what you're told. That's how we got from believing the Earth is flat to actually walking on the Moon.
Has your greatest fear ever come true?
Kind of. Not to its full extent, obviously (I wouldn't be able to post this online if it would have), but for a brief while, yes.
Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
It was 3 years ago, not 5, and it doesn't, I guess, in an objective sense. It does matter in that it changed me, though.
What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
My childhood memories aren't particularly happy, but the ones that are typically involve making things. From pointy sticks through glass shard mosaics to clay Stargates. To change the world in a visible way, however trivially or imperfectly, that was pretty much the goal of my existence - and I guess it still is, albeit in slightly different ways.
At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
Writing this: Wire-Scarred's speechForgive me, if this interruption doesn't seem to be polite, but I have some important things to say. Come to think of it, what the fuck does "polite" even mean? If you don't say what you mean and mean what you say, that makes you a liar, nothing more, and liars should be treated in accordance with their vile intentions and rotten hearts.
In a healthy society, that is. But as we metis know too well, Garou society ceased to be healthy about the time of the War of Rage. We are said to be the very products of corruption, and the Law agrees - and yet, one has to keep wondering whether the Law itself is as pure as it is purported to be. Have you ever wondered why the Nation is constantly at war, for instance? If nothing else, it's awfully convenient for certain people in high places who otherwise would face plenty of challengers - some perhaps more adept than themselves.
What you heard about me is true: I am not Bone Gnawer by birth. I was raised in Poland under the auspices of a Shadow Lord
If not now, then when?
See above answer.
If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
The comfort of a life relatively unbothered by others - aka not being locked up. Can't say that enough times.
Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
Yes. I'm not sure how that's even possible, but yes. And not just with humans, either. Cats are good at that shit.
Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
Easy: they all disagree on what love actually is. One person's hell is another person's heaven, and vice versa. It took me a long while to realize this, but since I'm quite different from "mainstream" people, I at least did realize it eventually, because I had to - that was the only reasonable explanation of many, many things I experienced in interaction with them.
Another important contributor is authority. Religions, whether they espouse love or not, tend to have a hierarchical structure, and the presence of a hierarchy usually allows for unscrupulous people with a thirst for control and power to rise in said hierarchy and then use the leverage given by their position of authority to distort the original message and values of the religion.
Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
There is no such thing as objective good and evil. Hard and scary as that sounds, we don't know what's good/evil, we decide it. Without human judgement, which is essentially a matter of subjective taste and opinion, the concept of good and evil is vacuous and utterly meaningless.
If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
Well...with a million dollars, I could accomplish pretty damn quick all the things I'm arduously working and saving up for, including flying to the US for a long vacation and then killing myself. That pretty much means yes. No matter how much I enjoy my job sometimes
Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
The latter. No questions about that. I hate being idle, but I also hate being forced to do things that hurt me. So the perfect thing is having to do something that doesn't hurt me.
Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
Yep. And I probably did, lol - my life is not changing a lot. That's not to say it's a bad thing, though.
When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
My entire fucking life. On a daily basis. To me, that is life itself. Sometimes I hate that it's that way, sometimes I love it, but that's how I operate.
If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
Hahahahaha!!! Sorry, I have to laugh at that question because I'm already planning to reduce it quite drastically (except that there are a few things I want to do before that happens). Being famous would be pretty damn nice, though. Or infamous, I don't care. Again, hello, I'm a writer. People do that to get known, to get the word out - if not about themselves, then something they believe in or advocate for.
What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
Truly living is something that makes the rest of humanity/society hate you to an extent that they want to either take your life or worse, make you live it out in a confined space with even more rules and negative renown than you already have; while being alive is...simply breathing, struggling to get through one day at a time, longing for and looking forward to the final reward.
When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
If only I knew. Sometimes it feels like that time has already come and gone; but most of the time I keep telling myself it's not that time yet. Ugh.
If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
Because leaning is painful, especially when it involves unlearning what you previously learned from other experiences and accepted as truth. And also because of ego: if you make mistakes, that means you aren't perfect, you have flaws - therefore, you are worthless, and nobody wants to feel/be worthless.
What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
Pretty much everything. I can't give a concrete example because most of these things are minor and dependent on the situation, but I would have a fuckload more confidence in dealing with people fom the most trivial matters to the most important.
When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
I'm pretty much constantly aware of it if not listening to music or being absorbed in a book/activity to the extent of forgetting everything else around me.
What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
Music, writing, my cat, my friends, death. And with the exception of the last one, yes.
In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
My episodic memory is erratic and rather trigger-dependent, so I'd guess nope. But hey, that's what journals are for, right? If I'm still here 5 years from now, which is neither likely nor desired, I can at least read this post and know I was answering these questions with a purring kitty in my lap while suffering from the monthlies and eating banana Tic Tacs.
Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
I make my own decisions, but the decisions of others of course inform and influence mine. That works the other way around, too. That's how humans work, none of us is an island, no matter how much we would like to believe we are. That said, I'm trying to avoid letting other people control me as much as I can.